Ah, the treadmill. A modern marvel of engineering designed to simulate the feeling of going absolutely nowhere! It’s the perfect metaphor for modern life, isn’t it? Especially when you see the types of people who end up on them. Let’s take a look, shall we?
The Perpetually Productive CEO
Behold! The Businessman on the Treadmill! I imagine this guy is multitasking so hard, he’s simultaneously closing a deal, drafting an email, and optimizing his quarterly projections, all while maintaining a brisk 3.5 mph. I bet he even color-coordinates his sweatbands with his ties. You know he’s got a Bluetooth headset in, barking orders at his assistant about “synergizing” something or other. My question is: Is this actually efficient, or is he just wasting time and energy trying to be more efficient? Does he secretly resent the treadmill, and see it as a never ending task of being productive? Does he ever dream of wearing a comfortable pair of sweatpants and getting an ice cream? These are the questions that haunt me at night.
He probably thinks he’s outsmarting the system by fitting exercise into his workday. Newsflash, buddy: everyone at the gym knows you’re just avoiding actual work. And besides, the tie flapping around like that can’t be aerodynamic. At least take off the suit jacket, you’re going to wrinkle it! And those shiny shoes! Have you ever considered the long-term damage you are causing to your spine and your neck? I am guessing the answer is no, you haven’t! Just relax, and go get a coffee!
The Treadmill Tourist
And now, we have the Treadmill Tourist! Look at the confusion etched upon his face. He’s clearly just trying to figure out how to make the dang thing *start*. It looks like he thinks the “incline” setting is a suggestion, not a command, and now he is walking up a steep hill. “Where is the flat ground!”, he is probably yelling in his mind, sweat dripping, and leg muscles cramping.
This person has wandered into the gym, probably on a New Year’s resolution kick, only to discover that treadmills have more buttons than a space shuttle. He’s desperately trying to decipher the hieroglyphics on the console, which are probably written in a language that pre-dates hieroglyphics. My man, have you tried pressing the green button? Or is it flashing some error code? Does he even know what a “calorie” is? Did he even turn on the machine at the wall? Is he lost? Does he need a map? How do we even help him?
He’s probably thinking, “I’m just going to walk… it shouldn’t be that complicated.” Little does he know, he’s about to accidentally select the “advanced interval training with virtual mountain climbing” program. Poor guy. At least he has the benefit of good clothing for some exercises, but it looks like he is missing the knowledge! He should have read the manual, or watched a YouTube video. Next time, buddy!
And that’s the beauty of the treadmill: a microcosm of life’s absurdities, playing out in a sweaty, repetitive loop. It’s the perfect place to observe the human condition… or just judge people while pretending to exercise yourself.
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